His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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