I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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