Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Randomize
