Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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