what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
