im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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