the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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