I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
