your parents love me but you hate me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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