not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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