a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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