How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
