you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
