Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
