i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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