don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
