dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
