"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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