the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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