I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
