This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just found puke in my bra..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
