In America we eat man semen.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
