I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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