I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
