There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sext me about skeletons
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
