and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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