Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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