I'm really into asian looking animals
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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