Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
