I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
