True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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