I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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