I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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