my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
