happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
