bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
