I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
