giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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