there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
