He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
