a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
