She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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