don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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