Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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