I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
