In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
