god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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