Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
