She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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