Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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