im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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