3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
