smell my finger.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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