why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
