I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
