Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it's like heaven, but drunker
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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