whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
