Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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