Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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